So last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, all I could think about was how last weekend, I listened to a small-minded pastor who thinks that those of us who are not married, are somehow, not honoring God's devine plan for our lives.
I went over several letters to him in my head. (That is what I do when I feel I need to address something, I write letters in my head). There are many things I would say to help him be more effective in his ministry and not hurt people with his words the way he had hurt me.
Ultimately, I found myself asking God to help me forgive this man who sent me to the church bathroom in tears because of his careless, narrow-minded opinions rather than Biblical truths. I am frustrated that after two weeks I am still so angry at this "marriage specialist." But here is the BIG truth: I am not so mad at him, as I am frustrated with GOD for allowing me to be in that service two Sunday's ago.
I went to my parents house two weeks ago, planning to go to church with my family on Sunday morning. What I don't understand is why God allowed the events of that Sunday to unfold as they did. Why did HE want me to go to a church service that would send me to the bathroom in tears? What is that about? And why, after two weeks does it still hurt so much?
Because here is the truth; I have been ready to be married since I was 16 years old. I have always wanted to be married, and in the last few years, have become more and more convinced that I am meant to be part of a partnership. Being single is not my choice, but finding a partner has not been easy. I am ready for all that God has prepared me for, but finding a man who is up to the task has been seemingly impossible.
So I circle back to the words of that marriage specialist, and think - "Hey mister, you have no idea how hard it is to be 29 and single, and if you had any idea, you would stop talking about how I am "delaying marriage" and realize that being single, when you want to be part of a pair is incredibly painful, and you know nothing about that kind of pain."
I know, that is a mouthful, but after two weeks, I am still kinda mad at this guy, and I feel this crazy need to set him straight.
At the end of the day, I am mostly confused about what the heck God is thinking and kinda angry that I am not in on the big secret. For those who have found their partner, I really am truly happy for you. To those who have single men and women in your life I offer you this advice:
DO NOT tell single people that being single is a gift - that platitude makes me want to punch you in the face. (Harsh I know, but totally true).
I have a lot of feelings on this topic. Maybe I come off as bitter, and to be honest, every once in a while I am. Let's face it, I did everything right. I honored God, I worried about having a pure heart and mind, I prayed endlessly that God would bring me the right person, and I am still a single girl. Knowing what God is up to is ridiculously frustrating!
Please don't judge, sharing my heart like this is hard for me.
Be back for more soon,
Lindsay
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