So last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, all I could think about was how last weekend, I listened to a small-minded pastor who thinks that those of us who are not married, are somehow, not honoring God's devine plan for our lives.
I went over several letters to him in my head. (That is what I do when I feel I need to address something, I write letters in my head). There are many things I would say to help him be more effective in his ministry and not hurt people with his words the way he had hurt me.
Ultimately, I found myself asking God to help me forgive this man who sent me to the church bathroom in tears because of his careless, narrow-minded opinions rather than Biblical truths. I am frustrated that after two weeks I am still so angry at this "marriage specialist." But here is the BIG truth: I am not so mad at him, as I am frustrated with GOD for allowing me to be in that service two Sunday's ago.
I went to my parents house two weeks ago, planning to go to church with my family on Sunday morning. What I don't understand is why God allowed the events of that Sunday to unfold as they did. Why did HE want me to go to a church service that would send me to the bathroom in tears? What is that about? And why, after two weeks does it still hurt so much?
Because here is the truth; I have been ready to be married since I was 16 years old. I have always wanted to be married, and in the last few years, have become more and more convinced that I am meant to be part of a partnership. Being single is not my choice, but finding a partner has not been easy. I am ready for all that God has prepared me for, but finding a man who is up to the task has been seemingly impossible.
So I circle back to the words of that marriage specialist, and think - "Hey mister, you have no idea how hard it is to be 29 and single, and if you had any idea, you would stop talking about how I am "delaying marriage" and realize that being single, when you want to be part of a pair is incredibly painful, and you know nothing about that kind of pain."
I know, that is a mouthful, but after two weeks, I am still kinda mad at this guy, and I feel this crazy need to set him straight.
At the end of the day, I am mostly confused about what the heck God is thinking and kinda angry that I am not in on the big secret. For those who have found their partner, I really am truly happy for you. To those who have single men and women in your life I offer you this advice:
DO NOT tell single people that being single is a gift - that platitude makes me want to punch you in the face. (Harsh I know, but totally true).
I have a lot of feelings on this topic. Maybe I come off as bitter, and to be honest, every once in a while I am. Let's face it, I did everything right. I honored God, I worried about having a pure heart and mind, I prayed endlessly that God would bring me the right person, and I am still a single girl. Knowing what God is up to is ridiculously frustrating!
Please don't judge, sharing my heart like this is hard for me.
Be back for more soon,
Lindsay
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Christians At My Door
I have not used this blog in a while - blah, blah, blah! Today is a new day, and I feel like writing so here it goes.
I have been having a great couple of weeks. Though I have been a Christian since I was five, and then recommitted my life when I was 15 there has been a Jesus-drought in my life in the last couple years. Dont' get me wrong, my beliefs did not change, I was just less enthusiastic about participating in religion than I once was. I blame some of this on my struggle with depression. Depression saps the goodness out of your life and takes away the things you once enjoyed, and for a long time, that included my relationship with God.
But today is a new day, and I truly feel that God has been on the move in my life in the last couple weeks. It started with an amazing conversation/evening with my mom, and has continued from there. I have been feeling the Holy Spirit at work in my life, and it is incredibly exciting!
On Sunday I went to church for the first time in a few months, I mean when God starts doing a work in you, you should try and keep that momentum going right? I decided to go to a church in Baltimore, that I have heard about over the past few years. It was not as riviting an experience as I had hoped. The worship was too short, and the message was quite confusing and made no sense. The topic of Gentleness as a fruit of the spirit was easy enough to understand, but then the pastor combined that topic with the importance of the Trinity and that is where things started to go south.
I left church feeling a little discouraged. I mean, God has been doing stuff, and he was encouraging me, and teaching me and I was feeling all spiritual and whatnot - so why was church such a bore? I felt a little let down by God, since I was hoping for some marvelous, annointed sermon that was going to speak right to my heart, and all I got was a monotone, stuttering pastor who used chairs to illustrate the Trinity. "Oh well," I thought, better luck next week, when I go to a different church.
And then something funny happened *pause for drama here*
Christians knocked on my door last night. I had filled out the visitor card on Sunday and placed it in the offering, and the church has a program where they go out an visit all new people to the church and offer support and encouragement and information about the church and its programs. I was totally unprepared for this visit, and was deep in lounging mode when they showed up. Hair was a mess, shirt and sweats did not match, glasses on, mascara smudged from taking out my lenses - I looked kinda rough! But I answered the door anyway.
Three middle-aged people were in the hall, and they told me all the normal stuff; "thanks for coming on Sunday", "we want you to come back", "do you have any questions?" Then they asked if I had any prayer requests. At first I could not think of anything that I wanted three strangers standing outside my apartment to pray for, but then, it became obvious what I wanted prayer for.
I told them I am 29 and single and while I am content in my life, I am still waiting for God to bring a partner into my life. Two of the three Christians immediately stated that they understand how I feel because one did not get married until he was 35 and the other was 36 when she got married. They said they understood what it was like to have to wait longer than most people. Then they offered to pray. So there in the hallway of my apartment building they lifted up my greatest desire to God. I teared up a little, hugged the lady who prayed and thanked them for stopping by.
When I went back inside the first thought that came to me was "what do you think it means when God sends people to your house to pray for your biggest need?" I think it means that God is much, much bigger than we give him credit for, and that he is listening even when I feel like my needs/wants are being ignored.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
So I will continue to draw close to God, and seek his wisdom right now. I do not really know what God is up to, but I am delighted to be a part of it and its changing me in an amazing way.
Until next time,
Lindsay
I have been having a great couple of weeks. Though I have been a Christian since I was five, and then recommitted my life when I was 15 there has been a Jesus-drought in my life in the last couple years. Dont' get me wrong, my beliefs did not change, I was just less enthusiastic about participating in religion than I once was. I blame some of this on my struggle with depression. Depression saps the goodness out of your life and takes away the things you once enjoyed, and for a long time, that included my relationship with God.
But today is a new day, and I truly feel that God has been on the move in my life in the last couple weeks. It started with an amazing conversation/evening with my mom, and has continued from there. I have been feeling the Holy Spirit at work in my life, and it is incredibly exciting!
On Sunday I went to church for the first time in a few months, I mean when God starts doing a work in you, you should try and keep that momentum going right? I decided to go to a church in Baltimore, that I have heard about over the past few years. It was not as riviting an experience as I had hoped. The worship was too short, and the message was quite confusing and made no sense. The topic of Gentleness as a fruit of the spirit was easy enough to understand, but then the pastor combined that topic with the importance of the Trinity and that is where things started to go south.
I left church feeling a little discouraged. I mean, God has been doing stuff, and he was encouraging me, and teaching me and I was feeling all spiritual and whatnot - so why was church such a bore? I felt a little let down by God, since I was hoping for some marvelous, annointed sermon that was going to speak right to my heart, and all I got was a monotone, stuttering pastor who used chairs to illustrate the Trinity. "Oh well," I thought, better luck next week, when I go to a different church.
And then something funny happened *pause for drama here*
Christians knocked on my door last night. I had filled out the visitor card on Sunday and placed it in the offering, and the church has a program where they go out an visit all new people to the church and offer support and encouragement and information about the church and its programs. I was totally unprepared for this visit, and was deep in lounging mode when they showed up. Hair was a mess, shirt and sweats did not match, glasses on, mascara smudged from taking out my lenses - I looked kinda rough! But I answered the door anyway.
Three middle-aged people were in the hall, and they told me all the normal stuff; "thanks for coming on Sunday", "we want you to come back", "do you have any questions?" Then they asked if I had any prayer requests. At first I could not think of anything that I wanted three strangers standing outside my apartment to pray for, but then, it became obvious what I wanted prayer for.
I told them I am 29 and single and while I am content in my life, I am still waiting for God to bring a partner into my life. Two of the three Christians immediately stated that they understand how I feel because one did not get married until he was 35 and the other was 36 when she got married. They said they understood what it was like to have to wait longer than most people. Then they offered to pray. So there in the hallway of my apartment building they lifted up my greatest desire to God. I teared up a little, hugged the lady who prayed and thanked them for stopping by.
When I went back inside the first thought that came to me was "what do you think it means when God sends people to your house to pray for your biggest need?" I think it means that God is much, much bigger than we give him credit for, and that he is listening even when I feel like my needs/wants are being ignored.
1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.
And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.
So I will continue to draw close to God, and seek his wisdom right now. I do not really know what God is up to, but I am delighted to be a part of it and its changing me in an amazing way.
Until next time,
Lindsay
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