Dirty Little Secret

I have a secret - which, if you know me pretty well is actually not a secret at all;

I can't remember the last time I went to church consistently.

Yep, I am a huge church-compliance failure. I have tried out no less than 10 churches in the Baltimore area in my 11 years of living here, and have yet to settle on one that fulfills my needs. Every Sunday I set my alarm to get up and go to a church (ANY CHURCH!) and every Sunday, I turn off the alarm and roll over to return to my pleasant slumber. I know I should go to church - I certainly believe it is an important part of being a Christian, and yet, I do not go. So, I give people the impression that I am a church-going girl, but mostly that is just me being a tremendous actress.

So here's the scoop; I LOVE Jesus, I BELIEVE that He wants me to be apart of a body of believers, I DON'T feel particularly inclined to make that happen.

I used to love church, I loved the music, the sermons, the fellowship, the Holy Spirit moving within the body - I couldn't get enough! At the end of high school I was there every time the doors were open, I cried if I had to miss youth group, and it wasn't just about being with my friends, it was about being with the Holy Spirit. What in the world changed?

I pretty much figure I am all alone in this because only heathens would avoid church when they know that they should be going. And then I stumbled upon a very interesting article in a fabulous magazine - Relevant, entitled "The Vanishing Church Body." Turns out that I am not the only one who is not so much impressed with the traditional church these days.

"If they aren't bored to death by church, many young people simply find it to be irrelevant to their life or the concerns of the culture"

Case in point - I have a history of depression - the church does not get it, and has told me over and over just to pray it away. Umm... sometimes people get cancer and God doesn't heal that, so what if I am meant to live a life afflicted with depression? How about some compassion and support?

Why don't you talk about the hard issues like how I am supposed to reconcile a belief in the word of God and the church telling me homosexuality is a sin, but having close friends who identify themselves as gay? I have friends who love God but have to avoid the church because Christians are hating on their orientation - teach me to help them!

Also, why does every sermon have to be about married people with kids. I am not married, I do not have kids - I need a teacher who is willing to acknowledge that not everyone in the body has the same single family home and 2.5 kids with a dog. I often feel like the sermon is geared to those folks, not me.

I guess my dirty little secret is out, and I am sure I will be judged for failing to be the perfect Christian, but I have felt ignored by the church sometimes, and no one seems to miss me when I'm not there - which makes it much easier to roll over and go back to sleep.

There might be more on this - if you can stand it! ~ Lindsay

Gotta Admit, I Am Flawed...

So last night, as I was trying to go to sleep, all I could think about was how last weekend, I listened to a small-minded pastor who thinks that those of us who are not married, are somehow, not honoring God's devine plan for our lives.

I went over several letters to him in my head. (That is what I do when I feel I need to address something, I write letters in my head). There are many things I would say to help him be more effective in his ministry and not hurt people with his words the way he had hurt me.

Ultimately, I found myself asking God to help me forgive this man who sent me to the church bathroom in tears because of his careless, narrow-minded opinions rather than Biblical truths. I am frustrated that after two weeks I am still so angry at this "marriage specialist." But here is the BIG truth: I am not so mad at him, as I am frustrated with GOD for allowing me to be in that service two Sunday's ago.

I went to my parents house two weeks ago, planning to go to church with my family on Sunday morning. What I don't understand is why God allowed the events of that Sunday to unfold as they did. Why did HE want me to go to a church service that would send me to the bathroom in tears? What is that about? And why, after two weeks does it still hurt so much?

Because here is the truth; I have been ready to be married since I was 16 years old. I have always wanted to be married, and in the last few years, have become more and more convinced that I am meant to be part of a partnership. Being single is not my choice, but finding a partner has not been easy. I am ready for all that God has prepared me for, but finding a man who is up to the task has been seemingly impossible.

So I circle back to the words of that marriage specialist, and think - "Hey mister, you have no idea how hard it is to be 29 and single, and if you had any idea, you would stop talking about how I am "delaying marriage" and realize that being single, when you want to be part of a pair is incredibly painful, and you know nothing about that kind of pain."

I know, that is a mouthful, but after two weeks, I am still kinda mad at this guy, and I feel this crazy need to set him straight.

At the end of the day, I am mostly confused about what the heck God is thinking and kinda angry that I am not in on the big secret. For those who have found their partner, I really am truly happy for you. To those who have single men and women in your life I offer you this advice:

DO NOT tell single people that being single is a gift - that platitude makes me want to punch you in the face. (Harsh I know, but totally true).

I have a lot of feelings on this topic. Maybe I come off as bitter, and to be honest, every once in a while I am. Let's face it, I did everything right. I honored God, I worried about having a pure heart and mind, I prayed endlessly that God would bring me the right person, and I am still a single girl. Knowing what God is up to is ridiculously frustrating!

Please don't judge, sharing my heart like this is hard for me.

Be back for more soon,
Lindsay

Christians At My Door

I have not used this blog in a while - blah, blah, blah! Today is a new day, and I feel like writing so here it goes.

I have been having a great couple of weeks. Though I have been a Christian since I was five, and then recommitted my life when I was 15 there has been a Jesus-drought in my life in the last couple years. Dont' get me wrong, my beliefs did not change, I was just less enthusiastic about participating in religion than I once was. I blame some of this on my struggle with depression. Depression saps the goodness out of your life and takes away the things you once enjoyed, and for a long time, that included my relationship with God.

But today is a new day, and I truly feel that God has been on the move in my life in the last couple weeks. It started with an amazing conversation/evening with my mom, and has continued from there. I have been feeling the Holy Spirit at work in my life, and it is incredibly exciting!

On Sunday I went to church for the first time in a few months, I mean when God starts doing a work in you, you should try and keep that momentum going right? I decided to go to a church in Baltimore, that I have heard about over the past few years. It was not as riviting an experience as I had hoped. The worship was too short, and the message was quite confusing and made no sense. The topic of Gentleness as a fruit of the spirit was easy enough to understand, but then the pastor combined that topic with the importance of the Trinity and that is where things started to go south.

I left church feeling a little discouraged. I mean, God has been doing stuff, and he was encouraging me, and teaching me and I was feeling all spiritual and whatnot - so why was church such a bore? I felt a little let down by God, since I was hoping for some marvelous, annointed sermon that was going to speak right to my heart, and all I got was a monotone, stuttering pastor who used chairs to illustrate the Trinity. "Oh well," I thought, better luck next week, when I go to a different church.

And then something funny happened *pause for drama here*

Christians knocked on my door last night. I had filled out the visitor card on Sunday and placed it in the offering, and the church has a program where they go out an visit all new people to the church and offer support and encouragement and information about the church and its programs. I was totally unprepared for this visit, and was deep in lounging mode when they showed up. Hair was a mess, shirt and sweats did not match, glasses on, mascara smudged from taking out my lenses - I looked kinda rough! But I answered the door anyway.

Three middle-aged people were in the hall, and they told me all the normal stuff; "thanks for coming on Sunday", "we want you to come back", "do you have any questions?" Then they asked if I had any prayer requests. At first I could not think of anything that I wanted three strangers standing outside my apartment to pray for, but then, it became obvious what I wanted prayer for.

I told them I am 29 and single and while I am content in my life, I am still waiting for God to bring a partner into my life. Two of the three Christians immediately stated that they understand how I feel because one did not get married until he was 35 and the other was 36 when she got married. They said they understood what it was like to have to wait longer than most people. Then they offered to pray. So there in the hallway of my apartment building they lifted up my greatest desire to God. I teared up a little, hugged the lady who prayed and thanked them for stopping by.

When I went back inside the first thought that came to me was "what do you think it means when God sends people to your house to pray for your biggest need?" I think it means that God is much, much bigger than we give him credit for, and that he is listening even when I feel like my needs/wants are being ignored.

1 Corinthians 7:17, The Message.

And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life.

So I will continue to draw close to God, and seek his wisdom right now. I do not really know what God is up to, but I am delighted to be a part of it and its changing me in an amazing way.

Until next time,
Lindsay

Fail

So maybe I am not that great at this blogging stuff. But I think I hesitate because I don't want to get to all personal. See my dilema; if I blog about something personal but don't post it to FB, then no one reads it. If I blog and post it to facebook, some people that I want to read it will be able to as well as other people that I don't want to read it - complete conundrum for me. So, if I have to keep things general, it limits how much I can share. So lets start with easy stuff.

Updates;
I have a new car, who I have optomistically named "Lucky Lucy." My mom says if this car gets totaled I will not be able to get another red car, since Lucy is my third red car. She may have a point...

Work does not change much. I am on a mentorship commitee at work which is interesting and brings out the leader in me. I am so very much my father's daughter! Sometimes it takes so much personal strength for me to shut up and let other people talk - but then, it has been like that for me since I was a kid...

I am looking forward to taking the LCSW-C test in the fall, or right around Christmas. It will be a big moment, that really caps off my master's degree and signifies that I am qualified for a much broader range of social work positions.

For the time being, I am pretty happy at work. You never quite know what will happen each day, or what people you will meet. I also have two awesome coworkers Jen and Kristy who make the slow days fly by, and keep me sane during the crazy ones...

Things in the dating world are slow, but not stagnant, which is a nice change of pace for me! More details on that in future...

I have no fun trips planned for the immediate future, although I did take a week off around my birthday, so we shall see if maybe I can swing a couple days in the homeland.

And that is about it! Maybe that is the other reason for the failure of this blog - the life of a grown-up is boring, and social workers are poor, so I am not out having ridiculous adventures. I will try to do better next time!

L

Oh The Pressure!

So I wrote my first blog, and I think overall it went pretty well, but trying to come up with something else to write about that interests my many followers is a tremendous amount of pressure! Though, if I am honest, this blog is not really for anyone else except me... so I should feel free to write whatever I want right? I suppose I should start with what thoughts are swarming around my brain right now.

So it has been a busy few days. I totaled my car this week. In an unfortunate series of events, I was gliding through a prominently green light, and then hit a reckless woman (who claims she had the flu) as she careened through the red. I responded to this event with tears and hysterics in front of a crowd of strangers. Collapsed at the side of the road, clutching my purple cell phone and crying over my busted fender seemed a completely rational way to deal with my frustration over my forth accident in two years. So desperately sad over my crunched up car, I actually became so vulnerable that I actually asked a stranger if I could please give her a hug. She took pity on me and my mascara-stained face and indulged the sad girl with the ridiculously broken car. It is a humble moment, when you ask a stranger for a hug, but it felt right, and it helped.

Next came the news that my lovely car had $10,000 dollars damage, and had been sent to the "total loss" department of State Farm's claims department. What a sad dipiction of the events of the last five days... my car, a total loss. I guess I should be glad that I am safe, and relatively unharmed, but the notion that my car and I will never cruise Baltimore together again, is a tough blow. Granted, Torres (my car) was never what I had envisioned myself driving, the sporty little red hatchback has been nothing short of a gift from God, but when Jiffy Lube classified it as a "wagon" part of me died inside. Now, at the prospect of getting a new car, I am paralyzed with fear that I will kill this car too - and since my last little red car (Ruby) also died a tragic death as a result of another careless Baltimore driver, who can blame me? It has been suggested by several that I should choose another color for my mode of transportation... but is there really a better color for a car than red? I think not!

So now I need to empty out Torres, and grab her little teddy-bear mascot, (O'Malley) and say goodbye to my second car. I am totally not ready - but the insurance company certainly is... Now, if I could only figure out how to pay for the next one, get something cheap and of course, red!

~L

The Finish Line

So here is my first "Blog." It is a very exciting venture indeed, since I have never before had my own blog, and it is very fashionable these days to spend hours sharing your random musings on life with a bunch of strangers. I am glad to be a part of the movement.

I have not yet decided what I would like my blog to be about, but since I like writing, and typing comes easy for me, it seems like I can work out the details of what to actually focus my efforts on later.

I think "The Finish Line" makes perfect sense for a brand new blog about my life. What becomes painfully obvious to me when I think about a finish line, is that I am knowhere near one right now.

I am 28, single, and living in an apartment with two cats (more on them later). I still have a roommate (who I love, but that is not my point), my parents pay for my car, and I am under the constant thumb of my credit and student loan debt. I am not ready to finish. Not by a long shot.

After recently breaking up with my first REAL boyfriend, it occurs to me that though he was not a great man, and often treated me poorly, it sure was nice to have someone (even if he did live four hours away.) Being single in a sea of married chicks kinda sucks, (they have reached a finish line I very much want to reach myself) and I felt more like I fit in when I had a boyfriend - someone I might marry - someone who might get me to a much sought-after finish line.

Ah, the finish line - a beautiful spot indeed. I believe I have hit the finish line three times. When I graduated high school, again in college and then graduating with my master's in social work. Three marvelous finish lines in a long line of un-finshed lines. The finish line is intoxicating! No wonder freaks of nature run 26.2 miles in the rain just to get to it - once you do, there is a party at the end (and very often, alcohol.) Life's finish lines seem to be followed by parties - weddings, the impending birth of a child, the aforementioned graduations - heck, even funerals. Unfortunately there is no party when you don't manage to cross. No one gives you a Target Gift Card when you "almost" graduate. No, you have to finish to be successful and enjoy that desired party. What is glaringly obvious of course, is that it is not really about the finish line at all, it is about the journey itself, (blah, blah, blah...) but it does not feel like that from where I sit today. The journey stinks - I want my party.

Today I am at a starting line again, so I am pouting. I am complaining about still being single with a roommate and cats. Maybe that is more than some people have, and maybe the spot in life where I am right now, is the envy of someone else (I am pretty sure it's not, but I guess anything is possible.) Maybe my pouty moment is someone else's finish line. (Gosh I hope not!) Maybe there are healing properties to lamenting over not being able to pay my BGE bill and MasterCard on the same paycheck.

I am regrouping. I am healing after a crummy break-up, trying to work out my financial issues, advance in my career and re-invite contentment into my life. Don't make the mistake of thinking that I am not hopeful - I am endlessly optimistic (even when I am pouting.) It is my deepest, most personal hope, that while I am doing these things, a finish line starts to present itself on the horizon.

Today it is a blog - an unexpected finish line which I hope will mark a renewed starting line.

~L